Matters of Life and Death
by EvaPopeIsALegend
Summary: Rachel has flashbacks of her life, leading up to a dramatic climax. Please review people!
1. Chapter 1

She's dead and gone and never will return. She hurt people, pushed them away and destroyed their lives. She was cold, cruel and insensitive and didn't know how to love anyone but herself. It started as a child and as she got older, it got worse. As a child she lost everyone that she needed and loved, and turned them all against her. She was forced into doing what she did by having no one and nothing, although there were better ways of earning a living, but once she was in, there was no getting out. I'm not her and never will be. The shell remains but the inside has been transformed. The past is exactly that but there are constant reminders every day, reminders of her and who she was. I had to get rid of her, no matter what the consequences were. It's over now; Amanda is dead.

After two disgusting, dirty years, I managed to get out. One day something snapped and I ran as far away as I could. I was only nineteen and was completely oblivious to the world. I had no idea of how to live, to cope on my own, but I had to, I had no one and nothing else, I pushed them all away; mum, dad and Mel. I wanted to go back to our family home in Yorkshire, but I couldn't, everyone knew who I was and what I had done, and I could bring no further shame upon my family, I simply could not cope with the dirty looks and whispered comments whenever I was around. I knew I could never make it up to my family and make things how they were when I was little, and I knew deep down they probably did love me, even though I never felt it, but again it was my own doing. Then I ended up here, in Manchester. I had no idea of what I was doing here, I couldn't get a job, I had no qualifications, and I had no home and no money. So I decided to get myself an education. I got my A levels and became a History teacher at a local secondary school. I loved it there, but the school was demolished. And then I saw the advert for the post of Head teacher at Waterloo Road Comprehensive School. Something inside me told me to go for it, but my head told me I would never get it. Every time I looked in the mirror, or walked into my classroom, I always had the same sickening feeling; 'What if they knew who I was?' Would I still be allowed to teach, would they want me. I knew they wouldn't keep me on knowing about my past. But I needed work, and so I applied. The next thing I knew I was walking through the gates of Waterloo Road as the head mistress.

Waterloo Road was a rough diamond, but the light at the end of a very long tunnel. I wasn't made welcome at first, but I had just come in to a new school and changed the curriculum, and threatened weak staff by monitoring them. But as several weeks passed and we together overcame each hurdle, our relationship grew, and the staff and pupils began to accept me. By the end of the year it was like we had known each other forever and I had never felt so welcome before. But then came along Stuart Hordley and I nearly lost everything. Luckily the school wasn't ashamed of who I was and they took me back. I nearly died in the fire but I survived and came back to prove myself. Then I had to deal with Earl Kelly and Ralph Mellor, both whom I nearly resigned over. Finally Max Tyler. He was an old fashioned bully who I again almost resigned over. But when he revealed his true colours, he was struck off and I remained at Waterloo Road for another eventful term. I've had to deal with Ruby, Grantly, Chris, Lindsay, the fire, and to top it off, Eddie. They all bought back memories, painful memories, ones I would rather forget, but can't. Maybe that's the reason I am standing here, debating my future.


	2. Chapter 2

I ran with Bianca away from the burning caravan. As her mum held her I stared at what I could have died in. It brought back many memories, many painful memories. On the journey back to school I held back my tears, whilst debating my future at Waterloo Road. I have brought nothing but trouble and disaster to the school and again I put a child's life in danger.

The fire after Stuart Hordley's revelation about my past to the whole school was bad enough, but the wounds ran deeper. After Stuart was escorted out of the hall and I admitted to several shocked faces the truth about my past, we met on the stairs. Only an hour later the fire bell sounded. I saw Stuart and I couldn't leave him, I hated him so much for ruining me, but I don't give up on people, however hard they push me. So I went back for him. As I approached him, the ceiling fell and I was trapped, unconscious. I could have died in there and I couldn't leave another trapped person in a fire, although I knew I was finished either way. I woke up in a hospital bed with the LEA standing over me, telling me I still had a job. I was so shocked and grateful and so determined to never let anything like that ever happen again. But it did today with Bianca and her father, she may have survived but he didn't. It wasn't just that I had to contemplate though. I thought back to the fire when I was twelve years old. I held myself as the painful wounds were re-opened.

I was on holiday with mum, dad, Jack and Mel. Just like Bianca, we were staying in a caravan. Mum was outside putting the washing out and dad was putting the tea on. Mel and Jack were in our room playing, she was only ten at the time and he was three. The phone rang and dad took it out to mum. He had left the stove on and the tea towel was too close to the flame. It caught it and spread faster than I could blink. I looked for dad but he was too far away to shout to and so was mum. The fire was getting closer and me, Jack and Mel were still inside. I needed to get out; I panicked and ran for the door, leaving Mel and Jack behind. I jumped the steps down to the ground and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. Then I came to a sudden halt. I slowly turned and saw the flames licking the outside of the caravan. I could see Mel playing with her toys in the room next door but I couldn't see Jack. The thought I had left my brother and sister to die hit me like a slap in the face. I froze. I couldn't move. I tried calling for my mum and my dad and my mouth moved but no sound came out. Then it blew. I fell to the floor with the noise. I looked back with the sickening feeling growing. Mel was still inside and I could still see her. Mum and dad came running and dad went straight for the back door to get them out. Mum walked straight past me as if I wasn't there. After what seemed like forever, dad emerged with Mel. She was still alive but barely breathing. I hated myself more than anything in the world, and so did my parents. It was my fault but I was scared and I panicked, I didn't know what to do, it wasn't as if I am often put in that situation. Mum Mel as she regained consciousness, whilst waiting for the ambulance. Dad went back for Jack but came out carrying a limp, lifeless body, He was dead. They didn't come over to me; I wanted to be held too.

Mel was discharged from hospital the next day and mum and dad mollycoddled her. I was if I didn't exist and Mel was alive after all. From that day on they blamed me. They never spoke to me again. I had to learn to fend for myself, but at twelve years old, I had to put up with their silences and I had to go to school and I had no money and nowhere else to go. The words get stuck in my mouth even now; I left my sister to die, to protect myself, I killed my brother. That will haunt me forever, and so I could not leave another vulnerable child. I hate myself for leaving Mel and for letting Bianca's dad get into the school to take her. And now I am standing here, debating the rest of my life. Jack didn't deserve to die, I do. I sat at the top of the cliff watching the sun set. It was beautiful, the sky red and orange, gradually getting darker. I looked down and my head thumped and my breathing got faster. I had never been good with heights. If I fell it would be incredibly likely that I died, there was no way I would survive a fall like that. Even if I didn't jump, I couldn't stay at Waterloo Road, there were too many reminders of my past, all of my past, and it was eating away inside of me, and I could no longer cope with who I was and who I am now. It hurts more that Mel still loves me, even after the fire in the caravan. I want my mum and my dad to love me again, I am now someone to be proud of, but I'm not their daughter, not Amanda.

I thought back to recent events at work. They circled my head, each one becoming more painful, releasing some of the pain through clenching my fists tighter and tighter. This is what has made me end up here, evaluating my future…


End file.
